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/ EnigmA Amiga Run 1995 November / EnigmA AMIGA RUN 02 (1995)(G.R. Edizioni)(IT)[!][issue 1995-11][Skylink CD].iso / earcd / docs / mb_sep.lha / DOCS / MB_33.txt / MB_33.txt
Text File  |  1995-08-27  |  4KB  |  98 lines
  1.  
  2.           DECIPHERING MICROSOFT ENGLISH INTO NORMAL ENGLISH
  3.  
  4.                           Sent by MpegMan
  5.                       Original by Romski/Blitz
  6.  
  7. Are  you  continually  exposed  to  baffling  advertising  copy?  Are you
  8. ashamed  to  admit  that  you don't know what some of those phrases mean?
  9. Worry   no   more,   because  distinguished  linguist  Noram  Romski  has
  10. conclusively proved that these advertisements are NOT WRITTEN IN ENGLISH.
  11. They  are,  in  fact,  written  in  the  obscure Middle American language
  12. Microsoft,  thought to be a member of the Finno-Ugric family of languages
  13. and  distantly  related to Late High Tekspiek.  To help you, Blitz School
  14. of  Languages  in  association  with  Professor  Romski  has compiled the
  15. following handy guide to several common phrases:
  16.  
  17.  
  18.  
  19.   Microsoft                                  Translation
  20.   ---------                                  -----------
  21.  
  22. "... exploits to the full the         "Runs just as slowly on the
  23.  capabilities of the powerful          new platform as the last version
  24.  new processor."                       did on the previous one."
  25.  
  26.  
  27. "... based on extensive user          "One of the engineers has
  28.  feedback."                           his monitor propped up on an
  29.                                       inch-thick sheaf of bug reports."
  30.  
  31. "... crammed with essential           "Comes on thirty-two CD-ROMs
  32.  features."                            and takes up 8.9 gigabytes on
  33.                                        your hard disk."
  34.  
  35.  
  36.  "... part of an integrated           "The spelling dictionaries
  37.  product line."                       are still incompatible, but the
  38.                                       boxes are all the same size."
  39.  
  40.  
  41. "... fast ..."                        "We managed to save a test
  42.                                        document before it crashed."
  43.  
  44.  
  45. "... reliable ..."                    "We didn't need to restart after
  46.                                        the crash."
  47.  
  48.  
  49. "... easy-to-use ..."                 "It didn't corrupt the disc
  50.                                        catalog either."
  51.  
  52.  
  53. "... user-friendly ..."               "Utterly useless."
  54.  
  55.  
  56. "... puts you in charge ..."          "We've added some more buttons for
  57.                                        you to click."
  58.  
  59. "... lets you work the way you        "Do you still remember where
  60.  want to."                             you put your slide rule and
  61.                                        pencil?"
  62.  
  63. "... will change the way you          "That's putting it mildly."
  64.  work ..."
  65.  
  66. "... maximises your                   "Incompatible with your two
  67.  productivity."                       favourite videogames and the
  68.                                       screensaver."
  69.  
  70. "... for users who are serious        "You need a PhD just to figure
  71.  about computing ..."                 out the installation process."
  72.  
  73. "... a giant leap forward ..."        "Incompatible with files produced
  74.                                       by the previous version."
  75.  
  76. "... compatible with all major        "What's UNIX?"
  77.  platforms ..."
  78.  
  79. "... new artificial-intelligence      "The spellchecker knows how to form
  80.  features ..."                        plurals by putting 's' on the end
  81.                                       of words and the help system gives
  82.                                       you patronising advice you don't
  83.                                       want."
  84.  
  85. "... completely redesigned            "They hit us with a lawsuit"
  86.  look-and-feel
  87.  interface ..."
  88.  
  89. "... Power User features help         "Control-Option-Space-Alt-Del-Z
  90.  you work faster ..."                  brings up the formatting dialog."
  91.  
  92. "... clip art library                 "The local primary school has a
  93.  included ..."                         color scanner."
  94.  
  95.  
  96. END
  97. ===
  98.